So you’ve been invited along to a house music night by some of your friends. After a quick Internet search you find out that, to your horror, the venue isn’t Gatecrasher, they won’t be playing Gangnam Style and there is no 2-4-1 on Blue VK’s. I found myself in a similar situation a few years ago, before that the only time I had heard of the word ‘edgy’ was in reference to the outside limit of an object during my private math’s tuition. But after trading in my gilet for vintage sports wear garms I now know that house isn’t just a type of music, it’s a way of life…
It’s imperative that you look the part as house music veterans can spot an imposter better than they can spot an Adidas jumper in a vintage kilo sale. Girls, who cares that it’s hotter than your gap yah in Ghana and that sweat is literally dripping from the ceiling, wear a beanie hat. Preferably one with a made up French sounding word on it so everyone knows you’ve been abroad. If you pair this with an empty rucksack you’ll be edgier than a dodecahedron. As for you boys get yourselves down to the barbers before hand; the edgy scene will not accept anyone who doesn’t have an undercut beneath that snapback.
You should spend some time brushing up on your house music knowledge before you go so that you know your Detroit from your Chicago (and yes there is more than one type of house music). If you’re growing bored of your two-track house playlist then don’t worry, after all I only amounted my impressive house music collection because of my season in Ibiza (where I saw Miguel Campbell before he was mainstream). However, for those of you who are unfortunate enough not to have parents willing to fund your ketamine addiction for the whole summer, download ‘Shazam’. This handy app will allow you to impress everybody with your unnerving ability to ID that track. Don’t forget to follow up every song with a fake, edgy backstory of when, where and what illegal substances you were on when you first listened to the song in order to really trick your friends and secure those edgy credentials.
The night doesn’t just start when you get to the club. Pre drinks are essential for every night out, not only those that end in the Student Union. Make sure to start the night with equally discerning edgy company, who ironically are all downing White Lightening even though statistically one of them is probably going to inherit a vineyard in France. Ideally it’s important to stay hydrated in the club, but in reality everyone only drinks Red Stripe and so should you. It may be the most expensive piss you’ve ever tasted, but at least its edgy piss. It’s crucial that you know when to drop; if you come up too late you’ll realize that the cool, under ground house music venue you were promised is actually an abandoned warehouse that smells like sick. Once at the front of the queue you should transform like a young Howard Marks from red brick student into hardened criminal as you smuggle drugs past the bouncers. They may not see that stash you just hid in your shoe, but there is no hiding the fact that your pupils look like saucers. But don’t be worried about the Inspector Norse you’ve heard loads of people talking about inside the club; he isn’t the neighbourhood Police Community Officer.
Once you’re inside make sure that you get as close to the front as possible, this is quite literally the aim of the game. If you’re trading sweat with Ralph Lawson or Morgan Geist than you’re doing it right. Not a lot of people know this but underground house DJs love to receive cryptic requests on your cracked up phone screen. Sadly however the chances are the only two songs you know by Julio Bashmore have already been played and no, he will not play Au Seve again. Girls, if you’re not trying to chat up the DJ then you should be following the photographer, make sure to get a wide angled lens on that camera so he can capture your jaw in the same shot. You may remember a time when Nike Air Max’s were only worn by the poor, but as a connoisseur of edgy behavior its important to know the difference between Hipster or homeless. The chances are that the boy wearing a flat cap in the corner with ripped jeans is actually 12th in line for the throne and doesn’t just have to wear second hand clothing because his parents spent all their money on his private school education.
Unfortunately the venue closes at 6am, as even edgy people have to sleep sometimes. Nevertheless if you have taken enough illicit pharmaceuticals that you feel as though you will never sleep again, gather up all the best friends that you just made in the smoking area and head for a house party. Don’t despair if your party medications are running low, there will always a house medic on hand to offer you a repeat prescription. At this point in the night only the edgy elite are left and everybody starts to ‘skank’ uncontrollably around the DJ, presumably in order to forget about the inevitable comedown that awaits them, or the fact that they are white. Once the night starts to wind down and in the spirit of sessioning on make sure there are enough fairy lights in your front room to start an electrical fire and then get more high then Neil Armstrong ever did.
Stick to this and you will have successfully completed your edgy etiquette training. And remember, Christopher Colombus may have proved the world is round, but it definitely has an edge.
Edited by Alex Sainty