So you’ve gone along to your favourite night out with some of your friends. After arriving you see that, to your horror, the venue is an abandoned warehouse, everyone is wearing vintage clothing and each hand contains a can of Red Stripe. A year ago I started sharing my second-hand secrets and since then wannabe edgy people have been cropping up faster than the line for a toilet cubicle at a house music night. Given that every Harrison, Henry and Hugo are now wearing Hype clothing and sporting a short back and sides it’s becoming increasingly hard to stay hipster. I’m not saying I started this whole fad, but I did put the E, D, G and Y in edgy. So as an apology to those of you who know your Detroit from Chicago, I’m now back with 365-days worth of experience in tripping balls around various basements, wearing dead people’s clothing and ultimately years of future therapy, all to show you how to actually be edgier than a dodecahedron.
Having a pseudo-appreciation of house music is one of the cornerstones of being edgy. But just how do you avoid drowning in the mainstream in a world where MK is number one in the charts? It appears that no DJ is safe these days from being aired on daytime radio. Obviously this automatically brands them as a sell out and means that you can no longer claim to like them or listen to them in public. There’s now a 45-minute window between a new song becoming great to then being overplayed and popular. In order to stay ahead of the curve you should try making up the names of your favourite DJs. The more absurd and obscure the better. However music experts who discovered deep house about eight months ago whilst they were vacationing in Ibiza may take some convincing. In order to persuade them that Aar-Spestos is in fact a pioneer of techno music, make sure to follow this namedrop with a fake backstory of how amazing he was last time you saw him playing his residency at that certain ex-power plant in the capital of Germany. Even though he’s completely made up the chances are that someone else will also claim to having seen him and didn’t he do an amazing set??
Social media is now an essential tool in marketing your edginess. The pinnacle of profile pictures is the coveted posed not posed official event photo. Girls, ideally you should be stood with your arms in the air as though you are dancing and be looking away smiling into the distance. The end result is a first take natural moment where the cameraman caught you completely unaware. But with hundreds of other people competing for some camera time it’s imperative that you get it right first take. Spend some time in front of a mirror beforehand striking a pose you can easily recreate whilst spangled. Nothing looks better than precisely honed and practised spontaneity. Boys, make sure to not pass up a club photo opportunity either, this is the best way of making it well known what an amazing social life you lead. By pulling a weird face and bizarre hand gesture combo everyone will know what a fun guy you are. But in order to make those ladies with facial piercings really swoon jump behind a pair of decks and get your friend to take a photo of you. Don’t worry if you don’t actually know how to DJ, pretending is encouraged.
Remember that the only drug problem you should ever have is that you don’t have enough. Taking drugs doesn’t make you big or clever, but it does make you cool and edgy. What a lot of people don’t realise is that the drug classification system actually relates to how cool a certain drug makes you look, and is in no way related to health or safety. Make sure every party starts with a well-stocked Class A buffet. However if you suddenly find yourself with the mobility and speech functions of Stephen Hawkins the chances are you’ve gone too far. It’s important that you learn to handle your drugs. Following this basic survival tip will guarantee you secure the lucrative ‘stayed till the last song’ merit badge as well as ensuring you are well trained in after party endurance. After all, the best way to distinguish a hardened hipster from your Topshop try hard is the ability to stay out past 5am. Sadly nowadays a single pill will leave you grossly out of pocket. Fortunately, however, a paradoxical prerequisite of being edgy is also having attended private school. Therefore the chances are that your parents are giving you a generous allowance anyway, as a reward for your newfound independence of being away at university. Make sure you squander this money straight up your nose or in the local charity store.
Of course the most important aspect of being edgy is looking edgy. How else will people know that your extracurricular activities predominantly involve keying ketamine on the reg? However with every high street store these days selling first hand knock offs of second hand styles, it’s now easy for anyone to look like a character from Clueless. In order to not just be edgy, but be really, really ridiculously edgy, the devil is in the detail. Or should I say the devil is in the derelict. If you are a girl make sure to really express your inner self by sticking loads of crap on everywhere that’s visible on your body. Buy your bindis in bulk and always make sure there’s more glitter on your face than Neil Buchanan could shake a pritt-stick at. Sadly glue can only attach things to your face for so long and although a commonly held misconception is that edgy people don’t shower, I can assure you they do. It just takes a set of special skills to look so dirty. The best way to demonstrate that you’re committed to the hipster cause and aren’t just copying this season’s latest absurd fashion trend is by piercing your face. Unlike a tattoo this act of rebellion only has minimal scarring and won’t prevent you from getting that well-deserved graduate scheme at your daddy’s company when you finish university.
By following this guide you will once again resume your vintage store bought crown and be the edgiest person out there. Remember that being edgy isn’t just a ridiculous phase… it’s a lifestyle.