Missing: Ketamine. Have you seen this drug?

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The Leeds student scene has been thrown into mass chaos following a West Yorkshire wide ketamine drought.

One ketamine user came forward and spoke to us about how the shortage of ketamine is affecting him. They likened the ordeal to a bad trip, “I’ve been looking at my living room for the past three weeks and it’s just been normal. When is this going to end?” However they wished to remain anonymous so that their degree in Philosophy & Economics, alongside their future graduate scheme within their father’s company, wouldn’t be affected. In what highlights the immense gravity of the situation, one amateur historian on the local area of Leeds commented that this was the ‘prohibition of our modern day’. Like back in 1920’s America users are now going to extreme lengths to bring the drug back into the city. Following an anonymous tip off police are beginning to investigate the possibility that ketamine is now entering the city through carrier pigeons being sent from London.

The quandary has aroused many passionate feelings amongst users. Since the disappearance, several Facebook groups have emerged in order to raise awareness of the ketamine plight and calling for a citywide manhunt until ketamine can be found. One of the most prominent pages entitled ‘S.N.O.R.T’ (Students Needing to Organize the Return of Tranquilizer) has amassed an impressive 5,000 supporters in a short amount of time. Supporters of the ketamine cause have been placing missing posters on the outside of the local Sainsbury’s in Hyde park, appealing for any information which may lead to the safe return of ketamine, with a substantial reward of £1000 pounds being offered.

Surprising support for ketamine to become readily available once more has come from several of Leeds clubbing institutions and venues, owing to fears for the local economy. Since the drought began, many nights (predominantly those showcasing techno music) have reported that there has been noticeable decrease in attendance. One user, known to usually frequent these type of techno events, told of how he no longer spends his weekends going to abandoned warehouses, “we tried going along to one of these nights and listening to the music without ket, but it was just noise”.

In what may seem to many a bizarre turn of events, local equestrians have been feeling the damaging repercussions of a shortage of ketamine more than most. Police escorts of horses in transit have been put in place following numerous sightings of groups of youths, reportedly wearing snapbacks, chasing horse trailers down the street. One local horse owner has come forward to tell of his harrowing experience. He caught a ketamine user trying to drink the blood of his ill horse in an attempt to K-hole from the traces of the drug found in the horses system. Last week West Yorkshire Police issued a statement telling of a string of reported break-ins at veterinary practices across the county, it is alleged that numerous containers of ketamine were taken in the attacks.

Speculation has been mounting as to the reasons for the drought. One accepted theory is that prominent ketamine suppliers in the area have been arrested. It is also widely thought that the epidemic has been perpetuated by last month’s change in drug laws, with ketamine changing from a Class C drug to a class B drug. The recent reclassification laws stem from an incident at Boom Town, where one festival-goer died after taking a lethal combination of ketamine and alcohol. We reached out to Alcohol to hear of its involvement in the situation, but sadly Alcohol was not available to comment.

The Definitive Guide to Being Edgy

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So you’ve gone along to your favourite night out with some of your friends. After arriving you see that, to your horror, the venue is an abandoned warehouse, everyone is wearing vintage clothing and each hand contains a can of Red Stripe. A year ago I started sharing my second-hand secrets and since then wannabe edgy people have been cropping up faster than the line for a toilet cubicle at a house music night. Given that every Harrison, Henry and Hugo are now wearing Hype clothing and sporting a short back and sides it’s becoming increasingly hard to stay hipster. I’m not saying I started this whole fad, but I did put the E, D, G and Y in edgy. So as an apology to those of you who know your Detroit from Chicago, I’m now back with 365-days worth of experience in tripping balls around various basements, wearing dead people’s clothing and ultimately years of future therapy, all to show you how to actually be edgier than a dodecahedron.

Having a pseudo-appreciation of house music is one of the cornerstones of being edgy. But just how do you avoid drowning in the mainstream in a world where MK is number one in the charts? It appears that no DJ is safe these days from being aired on daytime radio. Obviously this automatically brands them as a sell out and means that you can no longer claim to like them or listen to them in public. There’s now a 45-minute window between a new song becoming great to then being overplayed and popular. In order to stay ahead of the curve you should try making up the names of your favourite DJs. The more absurd and obscure the better. However music experts who discovered deep house about eight months ago whilst they were vacationing in Ibiza may take some convincing. In order to persuade them that Aar-Spestos is in fact a pioneer of techno music, make sure to follow this namedrop with a fake backstory of how amazing he was last time you saw him playing his residency at that certain ex-power plant in the capital of Germany. Even though he’s completely made up the chances are that someone else will also claim to having seen him and didn’t he do an amazing set??

Social media is now an essential tool in marketing your edginess. The pinnacle of profile pictures is the coveted posed not posed official event photo. Girls, ideally you should be stood with your arms in the air as though you are dancing and be looking away smiling into the distance. The end result is a first take natural moment where the cameraman caught you completely unaware. But with hundreds of other people competing for some camera time it’s imperative that you get it right first take. Spend some time in front of a mirror beforehand striking a pose you can easily recreate whilst spangled. Nothing looks better than precisely honed and practised spontaneity. Boys, make sure to not pass up a club photo opportunity either, this is the best way of making it well known what an amazing social life you lead. By pulling a weird face and bizarre hand gesture combo everyone will know what a fun guy you are. But in order to make those ladies with facial piercings really swoon jump behind a pair of decks and get your friend to take a photo of you. Don’t worry if you don’t actually know how to DJ, pretending is encouraged.

Remember that the only drug problem you should ever have is that you don’t have enough. Taking drugs doesn’t make you big or clever, but it does make you cool and edgy. What a lot of people don’t realise is that the drug classification system actually relates to how cool a certain drug makes you look, and is in no way related to health or safety. Make sure every party starts with a well-stocked Class A buffet. However if you suddenly find yourself with the mobility and speech functions of Stephen Hawkins the chances are you’ve gone too far. It’s important that you learn to handle your drugs. Following this basic survival tip will guarantee you secure the lucrative ‘stayed till the last song’ merit badge as well as ensuring you are well trained in after party endurance. After all, the best way to distinguish a hardened hipster from your Topshop try hard is the ability to stay out past 5am. Sadly nowadays a single pill will leave you grossly out of pocket. Fortunately, however, a paradoxical prerequisite of being edgy is also having attended private school. Therefore the chances are that your parents are giving you a generous allowance anyway, as a reward for your newfound independence of being away at university. Make sure you squander this money straight up your nose or in the local charity store.

Of course the most important aspect of being edgy is looking edgy. How else will people know that your extracurricular activities predominantly involve keying ketamine on the reg? However with every high street store these days selling first hand knock offs of second hand styles, it’s now easy for anyone to look like a character from Clueless. In order to not just be edgy, but be really, really ridiculously edgy, the devil is in the detail. Or should I say the devil is in the derelict. If you are a girl make sure to really express your inner self by sticking loads of crap on everywhere that’s visible on your body. Buy your bindis in bulk and always make sure there’s more glitter on your face than Neil Buchanan could shake a pritt-stick at. Sadly glue can only attach things to your face for so long and although a commonly held misconception is that edgy people don’t shower, I can assure you they do. It just takes a set of special skills to look so dirty. The best way to demonstrate that you’re committed to the hipster cause and aren’t just copying this season’s latest absurd fashion trend is by piercing your face. Unlike a tattoo this act of rebellion only has minimal scarring and won’t prevent you from getting that well-deserved graduate scheme at your daddy’s company when you finish university.

By following this guide you will once again resume your vintage store bought crown and be the edgiest person out there. Remember that being edgy isn’t just a ridiculous phase… it’s a lifestyle.

Edgy Girl Guide: Going Travelling

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Some of you may think that when a person says that they’ve been travelling, it’s a subtle way of saying I have more money than you, but in reality it’s so much more. I should know after all, I went on two gap yahs after I didn’t quite find myself on the first one. If you haven’t been travelling you’ll never be accepted in edgy circles. You might as well say you love house music, yet Cyril Hahn is your favourite DJ. Either book your flights now or else accept your status as an edgy outcast. So in order to help you secure the most lucrative edgy badge of honour I’m here to give you my definitive guide to going away, whether it’s a weekend break to Budapest or spending the summer in South America, from where to go and what to wear, in order to help you maintain your edge whilst at the edge of the world.

Like most people at university your parents should have already agreed to pay for you to go travelling, again, if you get a 2:1 in your degree. Luckily if you’re really edgy you will have studied a course such a sociology, so this shouldn’t be too hard. For the unfortunate edgy few of you who weren’t born with a silver spoon hanging out your mouth, I suppose you could always get a job and save to go away. Hollister did in fact offer me my old job back this summer as a model/ sales assistant but I only ever worked there as it was cool and not because I needed the money. Remember that if a story doesn’t begin with ‘This one time in (insert foreign countries name)…’ then it just isn’t worth telling.

First and foremost you need to choose the perfect place to go, a week away in Aiya Napa
Isn’t going to impress anybody over the age of seventeen. Preferably visit somewhere which you can call by its region name, such as South East Asia, aka Thailand, this will make wherever you go sound way more impressive. Try and do something really original, like inter railing around Eastern Europe. By starting in Berlin you can impress everyone at home by explaining how you experienced one of the best house music scenes in the world, but sadly you didn’t hear Something Sexy play once. After heading East you should end your inter railing trip at an underground house music festival in Croatia, which only half of the United Kingdom has ever heard of, however these festivals are very rare, so make sure to check the dates before you go.

One of the most important things whilst travelling is making sure you look the part, so that you’re always ready for any new cover photo opportunity. As is the case here you should resemble a homeless person on holiday. The good news is that this doesn’t require too much effort or deviation from your standard everyday edgy garms, as by now you should be no stranger to wearing second hand shorts but at least you finally will have an appropriate climate. The bad news is that if you thought your beanie was a little too warm whilst in that abandoned warehouse venue, it’s going to be even warmer whilst on that beach in Phi Phi. In your ever continuing quest to revive more fashion trends from decades you weren’t even born in make sure to go to your local vintage store and buy as many tie dyed tops as you can. Pair this with some round John Lennon style sunglasses and don’t listen to what any of your un-edgy friends say, you do not look in anyway ridiculous.

A little known fact is that rucksacks were originally created to serve a practical function and not just for carrying around whilst empty on a night out. To your horror you will discover that Urban Outfitters don’t sell rucksacks for travelling so you will have to get one from Millets, it doesn’t look good but if you put your rolling skills to a different type of use it will hold all of your vintage sportswear vests. Before you go invest in a copy of the Lonely Planet’s guide to South East Asia. Even if you have been there before I’d advise you to get one anyway so that you can leave it on your bedside table, this will make your guests think that you’re a well travelled and therefore generally a more interesting person. Further more, make sure to get the ‘On a shoe string’ edition in order to give people the impression that you really went back to basics, and didn’t in fact have a limitless budget from Daddy. Last but not least, it’ll be hard to find Internet to play Majestic’s YouTube channel. In order to expand your two track house playlist for those long journeys I recommend downloading ‘The Sound of Deep House’. Just remember to change the album name of iTunes so that no one ever knows you bought a compilation from the Ministry of Sound.

Follow these simple steps and you’ll soon be having the best summer/ gap yah/ one of many gap yahs of your life, with lots of edgy Instagram photos edited in a cool sepia effect to prove it.

Edgy Girl guide: How to fit in at (insert generic university library)

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If you’ve walked through the library recently wearing your Jack Wills gilet and comfiest Ralph Lauren sweatpants then you may find yourself feeling a little bit left out. It would appear that you’re not in Surrey anymore, but have somehow travelled to a land inhabited by bad extras from Saved By The Bell. No, you haven’t just consumed a large amount of hallucinogenic drugs, that boy who turned up to catered halls in a Range Rover really is now wearing a shell suit jacket embroidered with neon coloured geometric shapes. It’s called being edgy, and it’s the latest alternative/actually mainstream craze to hit campus.

The first step in being edgy is recognising the fact that it takes a lot of effort to look so bad. Surprisingly that girl with the unwashed top knot and oversized Adidas jumper did not just get out of bed, drag herself through a bush backwards and then blindly pick her outfit out of a charity bin. Everyone in the library seems to be suffering from a chronic case of social class confusion, so a good way of deciding what’s appropriate edgy attire is to remember what kind of clothes the kids in the token state school in your county wore. The more you used to make fun of a particular item of clothing the better. However before you start shopping it’s probably a good idea to have full access to your trust fund account. Although ten different people have probably worn that vintage jacket since its original owner died wearing it, it’ll still be more expensive than its recommended retail price back in the 90′s.

Boys, it’s time to realise that it’s cold up north and unless you work for Hollister, or are a complete idiot (both mean the same thing in my eyes either way), it’s time to trade in those flip-flops for flatforms. Don’t worry, you’ll still look completely ridiculous either way but at least your feet will be warm. Sadly the Jack Wills jumper you bought in first year doesn’t go with creepers, so make sure to revise all brands of vintage sportswear garms, this knowledge will serve you better than any 2:1. The edgy philosophy is if in doubt wear denim and in order to join the edgy elite you shouldn’t feel constrained to just wearing one piece of denim clothing. Whoever said dungarees are a fashion faux pas clearly was never cool enough to listen to house music and dab MD on the reg, but luckily you are. Unfortunately, no matter how many gold hoop earrings or snapbacks you wear, there is no escaping first year’s Smirnoff Ice induced string of one night stands. People you’ve slept with in the library are like rats, you’re never more than 6ft away from one, so it’s important to always be at your edgiest for the inevitable awkward lift journeys.

Quickly discard any preconceived notions you have about the library being a place to study. Head over to the sociology section and find as many edgy people as you can. Edgy etiquette dictates that you must all then congregate in the silent study section and talk loudly about how you can’t wait to finish exams so you can go and take some dodgy pills, go sidestepping in an abandoned warehouse and listen to repetitive beats. Who cares that your dissertation deadline is next week, the only future prospect with a degree in sociology is a serious ketamine addiction anyway. As with all edgy activities frequent trips to the smoking area are essential. But beware, smoking area custom in the library is nothing like at house nights, no one wants to talk to you and the only person who wants to be your new best friend is the guy who has taken way too much Ritalin and hasn’t slept in four days.

Remember that looking poor and being poor are two completely different things. In case that signet ring isn’t visible enough make sure people know that you choose to wear old clothes with holes in them as a lifestyle choice and not from financial necessity by having a MacBook Pro on your desk. In order to score some more edgy points always have Majestic or Eton Messy’s YouTube channel on your laptop screen, so that people nearby know that you listen to house music. Luckily no one knows that the only real reason you have it up is to perve on the video’s picture of a half naked hot women. Remember under no circumstances should you try and have a sneaky play of Taylor Swift, she may secretly be your favourite singer but no matter how much you protest no one in the library is buying that ‘Trouble’ is in fact a cool new Dubstep song.

Make sure to follow these rules and you’ll be on a first in higher edgycation. Although I cannot guarantee you will pass your actual degree…

 

What’s New in the Hipster World

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Have you ever walked through the student union and thought that you were in an episode of Saved by the Bell?
Seen as though you have more than likely found yourself surrounded by a swarm of scrunchies and snapbacks it’s not hard to see why, . It appears that everyone has jumped further than Jessica Ennis in order to get onto the edgy bandwagon. For original hipsters like me it is getting increasingly harder and harder to not be swept along the mainstream, and so in a vain effort to keep my edge I am forced into reviving even more absurd fashion atrocities from the 90’s, which should have been left to die an undignified death a long time ago.
Double denim has gone from being controversial to condoned, so if, like me, you find that creepers have lost their edge, it’s time to step up and go to the very edge of fashion. I suggest sticking to the social class confusion of people who went to private school wearing Nike Airs…
Why not try K Swiss? Those hideous tongue-twisting trainers that we used to wear in year 9, so bad that they must therefore be edgy, right? Plus they come in all sorts of cool colours and I’m pretty sure they’re available as high tops… Inevitably, once this catches on, you may have to invest in a pair of Sketchers.

Originally published as a short feature for Leeds Student http://www.leedsstudent.org/

Edgy Girl guide: How to fit in at (insert generic house music night)

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So you’ve been invited along to a house music night by some of your friends. After a quick Internet search you find out that, to your horror, the venue isn’t Gatecrasher, they won’t be playing Gangnam Style and there is no 2-4-1 on Blue VK’s. I found myself in a similar situation a few years ago, before that the only time I had heard of the word ‘edgy’ was in reference to the outside limit of an object during my private math’s tuition. But after trading in my gilet for vintage sports wear garms I now know that house isn’t just a type of music, it’s a way of life…

It’s imperative that you look the part as house music veterans can spot an imposter better than they can spot an Adidas jumper in a vintage kilo sale. Girls, who cares that it’s hotter than your gap yah in Ghana and that sweat is literally dripping from the ceiling, wear a beanie hat. Preferably one with a made up French sounding word on it so everyone knows you’ve been abroad.  If you pair this with an empty rucksack you’ll be edgier than a dodecahedron. As for you boys get yourselves down to the barbers before hand; the edgy scene will not accept anyone who doesn’t have an undercut beneath that snapback.

You should spend some time brushing up on your house music knowledge before you go so that you know your Detroit from your Chicago (and yes there is more than one type of house music). If you’re growing bored of your two-track house playlist then don’t worry, after all I only amounted my impressive house music collection because of my season in Ibiza (where I saw Miguel Campbell before he was mainstream). However, for those of you who are unfortunate enough not to have parents willing to fund your ketamine addiction for the whole summer, download ‘Shazam’.  This handy app will allow you to impress everybody with your unnerving ability to ID that track. Don’t forget to follow up every song with a fake, edgy backstory of when, where and what illegal substances you were on when you first listened to the song in order to really trick your friends and secure those edgy credentials.

The night doesn’t just start when you get to the club. Pre drinks are essential for every night out, not only those that end in the Student Union. Make sure to start the night with equally discerning edgy company, who ironically are all downing White Lightening even though statistically one of them is probably going to inherit a vineyard in France. Ideally it’s important to stay hydrated in the club, but in reality everyone only drinks Red Stripe and so should you. It may be the most expensive piss you’ve ever tasted, but at least its edgy piss. It’s crucial that you know when to drop; if you come up too late you’ll realize that the cool, under ground house music venue you were promised is actually an abandoned warehouse that smells like sick. Once at the front of the queue you should transform like a young Howard Marks from red brick student into hardened criminal as you smuggle drugs past the bouncers. They may not see that stash you just hid in your shoe, but there is no hiding the fact that your pupils look like saucers. But don’t be worried about the Inspector Norse you’ve heard loads of people talking about inside the club; he isn’t the neighbourhood Police Community Officer.

Once you’re inside make sure that you get as close to the front as possible, this is quite literally the aim of the game. If you’re trading sweat with Ralph Lawson or Morgan Geist than you’re doing it right. Not a lot of people know this but underground house DJs love to receive cryptic requests on your cracked up phone screen. Sadly however the chances are the only two songs you know by Julio Bashmore have already been played and no, he will not play Au Seve again.  Girls, if you’re not trying to chat up the DJ then you should be following the photographer, make sure to get a wide angled lens on that camera so he can capture your jaw in the same shot. You may remember a time when Nike Air Max’s were only worn by the poor, but as a connoisseur of edgy behavior its important to know the difference between Hipster or homeless. The chances are that the boy wearing a flat cap in the corner with ripped jeans is actually 12th in line for the throne and doesn’t just have to wear second hand clothing because his parents spent all their money on his private school education.

Unfortunately the venue closes at 6am, as even edgy people have to sleep sometimes. Nevertheless if you have taken enough illicit pharmaceuticals that you feel as though you will never sleep again, gather up all the best friends that you just made in the smoking area and head for a house party. Don’t despair if your party medications are running low, there will always a house medic on hand to offer you a repeat prescription. At this point in the night only the edgy elite are left and everybody starts to ‘skank’ uncontrollably around the DJ, presumably in order to forget about the inevitable comedown that awaits them, or the fact that they are white. Once the night starts to wind down and in the spirit of sessioning on make sure there are enough fairy lights in your front room to start an electrical fire and then get more high then Neil Armstrong ever did.

Stick to this and you will have successfully completed your edgy etiquette training.  And remember, Christopher Colombus may have proved the world is round, but it definitely has an edge.

Edited by Alex Sainty